If you haven’t had the opportunity to help out a troubled friend in a while, do you still give great advice? If you’re traveling in a country which doesn’t recycle, are you still environmentally conscious? If you haven’t gone camping or hiking in ages, are you still outdoorsy? If you lose in a competition, are you still talented? If you haven’t been mentally challenged recently, are you still smart? If you haven’t gone to a party in months, are you still fun?
Although we don't think about it too often, a healthy self identity is pretty damn important. It’s how we know our place in the world. It’s also key to maintaining positive mental health. An unhealthy or weak self identity can lead to a lack of self confidence, confusion about where we fit in (which can spiral down into feelings that we don’t belong in this world at all), and poor mental health in general.
 |
| Photo from http://www.theunitive.com/ |
How much of our self identity is glued to how others perceive us? How important are consistent actions in determining our self identity? These questions have been on my mind a lot lately, as my own self identity has been feeling faint and questionable. The Buddha might say that self identity should be discarded altogether as we all melt into one universal being, but in my day to day life I’m not quite there yet. :)
Let’s look first at the opinions of others: family, friends, peers, colleagues, and fans (for the celebrities reading this). Whose opinion do you value the most? For some of us, the most influential outside voice interfering in our self identity is that of our parents. Some of us need the approval of our bosses above all else; for others, our best friends hold the highest power in affecting our self identity. But where do WE fit into this equation?
One thing that I thought was a good thing, yet has been hurting me recently, is positive reinforcement. It gives us a boost when people say nice things to us, but how much should we depend on it? I like it when people say, “Oh, Jasmine, you’re such a free spirit,” or “Oh, Jasmine, thanks for always helping me with my problems” or anything that reinforces my self identity. Recently, however, I’ve been spending lots of time with myself and haven’t been getting as much positive reinforcement from others as I’ve been used to in the past, and my conviction about my identity is waning. I understand that my self identity depends on the reinforcement of others, and I want to change that.
 |
| Compliments are wonderful but I don't want to depend on them. |
I am starting to realize that I am the one and only person who should control my self identity. Likewise, YOU are the one and only person who should control your self identity. If you think you are smart and kind and attractive and fun, then you are! And nobody can take that away from you… now this is the kicker - even if they disagree. Yep, that’s right, you don’t have to let anyone else’s opinion of you affect your opinion of yourself. This sounds challenging, but the more we remind ourselves all the good qualities we have, the easier it is to ignore any judgments of others.
Doesn’t it sound like one of those things that people say on their deathbeds? “I wish I hadn’t let others’ opinions have so much impact on how I thought of myself.”
I agree that if we think we are the kindest person since Mother Theresa, yet the people around us tell us that we are selfish and cruel, then we have some internal inspection to do. The people around us can sometimes act as a mirror to us; we can determine, based their reactions, whether we have done something positive or negative, and we can learn from these experiences. However, sometimes people have bad days, or they are not very in tune with their emotions and thus do not clearly express themselves, or they simply have a different set of values than we do. In these very common circumstances, they might give off negative vibes that should NOT be paid attention to!
Example: Jane likes security. It makes her feel warm and fuzzy. Jane’s friend Bob tells her he just quit his job and is looking for new opportunities. Jane freaks out and tells him he is irresponsible. Do YOU think Bob is irresponsible? ----- Ha, tricked you! It doesn’t matter what you think, just like it doesn’t matter what Jane thinks. Bob is a big boy and he doesn’t need to listen to anyone else’s judgments of his personality.
 |
| One person's dream is another's nightmare... and that's okay! |
Let’s look now at how our actions play into our self identity. If we do something every day, whether for work or pleasure, it often works itself into our self identity. But if we stop doing it for a while, or even stop completely, at what point does it fade out of our self identity? Is it the action itself that is part of our self identity, or is it maybe something deeper?
This one is not as straightforward to deal with as the opinions of others, because this is more personal and internal, which is usually more complicated! I will start with an example from my own life. I used to go out a lot, as I mentioned in some of my previous posts. I was a self-identified Party Girl. When I met my husband, I started to change. I went out a few times and found myself getting bored and wanting to go home early. I would have a couple drinks and feel like I wanted to stop before I got too tipsy. The next day I often felt confused and a little bit disappointed. Where had my party spirit gone? Was I no longer a fun person to go out with? I was feeling this part of my identity slip out of my hands, and it made me sad. I was saying goodbye to a core part of my identity that had been with me for many years. Now, after a couple years of digesting this, I understand it in a different way. The core part of my identity wasn’t ‘party,’ but instead, social connection mixed with feeling attractive. And these parts of my identity have been with me almost since birth, and they will stay with me for the rest of my life. As I move throughout life stages, I experience these parts of my identity in different contexts: at school, work, nightlife, in romantic relationships, etc. Just because I don’t party like I used to doesn’t mean I’m not socially connected or attractive.
I often think of retired people who pinned a lot of their identity on their professions. Does a retired doctor still call herself a doctor? Does a retired teacher still call himself a teacher? Are they ‘former doctors and teachers’ or are they just retired people? Do they feel less important and a loss of identity when this change occurs? Maybe what they really felt was not their title but being influential, and they can find that in a different context outside of work.
When a big life change happens, it might feel like a core part of our identity has died, but it hasn’t! It’s just searching for another outlet, and that adjustment might take a while, but if we are patient we will see that our true self is still shining, ever bright. We are not flimsy beings; we are strong and enduring.
I believe that each of us has a true essence that stays with us through good days and bad, through every stage of our lives, and we are most content and feel the most free when we are in tune with that truest version of our self.
I challenge you to think about which qualities make up your own self identity, and how you know that those qualities represent you. Did you decide or did others tell you? Are these qualities dependent on you keeping up specific actions or are they qualities that are true to your core? Please leave a comment and share with us!
