Dear Universe, Who Am I?

If you haven’t had the opportunity to help out a troubled friend in a while, do you still give great advice? If you’re traveling in a country which doesn’t recycle, are you still environmentally conscious? If you haven’t gone camping or hiking in ages, are you still outdoorsy? If you lose in a competition, are you still talented? If you haven’t been mentally challenged recently, are you still smart? If you haven’t gone to a party in months, are you still fun?

Although we don't think about it too often, a healthy self identity is pretty damn important. It’s how we know our place in the world. It’s also key to maintaining positive mental health. An unhealthy or weak self identity can lead to a lack of self confidence, confusion about where we fit in (which can spiral down into feelings that we don’t belong in this world at all), and poor mental health in general.

Photo from http://www.theunitive.com/

How much of our self identity is glued to how others perceive us? How important are consistent actions in determining our self identity? These questions have been on my mind a lot lately, as my own self identity has been feeling faint and questionable. The Buddha might say that self identity should be discarded altogether as we all melt into one universal being, but in my day to day life I’m not quite there yet. :)

Let’s look first at the opinions of others: family, friends, peers, colleagues, and fans (for the celebrities reading this). Whose opinion do you value the most? For some of us, the most influential outside voice interfering in our self identity is that of our parents. Some of us need the approval of our bosses above all else; for others, our best friends hold the highest power in affecting our self identity. But where do WE fit into this equation?

One thing that I thought was a good thing, yet has been hurting me recently, is positive reinforcement. It gives us a boost when people say nice things to us, but how much should we depend on it? I like it when people say, “Oh, Jasmine, you’re such a free spirit,” or “Oh, Jasmine, thanks for always helping me with my problems” or anything that reinforces my self identity. Recently, however, I’ve been spending lots of time with myself and haven’t been getting as much positive reinforcement from others as I’ve been used to in the past, and my conviction about my identity is waning. I understand that my self identity depends on the reinforcement of others, and I want to change that.

Compliments are wonderful but I don't want to depend on them.

I am starting to realize that I am the one and only person who should control my self identity. Likewise, YOU are the one and only person who should control your self identity. If you think you are smart and kind and attractive and fun, then you are! And nobody can take that away from you… now this is the kicker - even if they disagree. Yep, that’s right, you don’t have to let anyone else’s opinion of you affect your opinion of yourself. This sounds challenging, but the more we remind ourselves all the good qualities we have, the easier it is to ignore any judgments of others.

Doesn’t it sound like one of those things that people say on their deathbeds? “I wish I hadn’t let others’ opinions have so much impact on how I thought of myself.”

I agree that if we think we are the kindest person since Mother Theresa, yet the people around us tell us that we are selfish and cruel, then we have some internal inspection to do. The people around us can sometimes act as a mirror to us; we can determine, based their reactions, whether we have done something positive or negative, and we can learn from these experiences. However, sometimes people have bad days, or they are not very in tune with their emotions and thus do not clearly express themselves, or they simply have a different set of values than we do. In these very common circumstances, they might give off negative vibes that should NOT be paid attention to!

Example: Jane likes security. It makes her feel warm and fuzzy. Jane’s friend Bob tells her he just quit his job and is looking for new opportunities. Jane freaks out and tells him he is irresponsible. Do YOU think Bob is irresponsible? ----- Ha, tricked you! It doesn’t matter what you think, just like it doesn’t matter what Jane thinks. Bob is a big boy and he doesn’t need to listen to anyone else’s judgments of his personality.

One person's dream is another's nightmare... and that's okay!

Let’s look now at how our actions play into our self identity. If we do something every day, whether for work or pleasure, it often works itself into our self identity. But if we stop doing it for a while, or even stop completely, at what point does it fade out of our self identity? Is it the action itself that is part of our self identity, or is it maybe something deeper?

This one is not as straightforward to deal with as the opinions of others, because this is more personal and internal, which is usually more complicated! I will start with an example from my own life. I used to go out a lot, as I mentioned in some of my previous posts. I was a self-identified Party Girl. When I met my husband, I started to change. I went out a few times and found myself getting bored and wanting to go home early. I would have a couple drinks and feel like I wanted to stop before I got too tipsy. The next day I often felt confused and a little bit disappointed. Where had my party spirit gone? Was I no longer a fun person to go out with? I was feeling this part of my identity slip out of my hands, and it made me sad. I was saying goodbye to a core part of my identity that had been with me for many years. Now, after a couple years of digesting this, I understand it in a different way. The core part of my identity wasn’t ‘party,’ but instead, social connection mixed with feeling attractive. And these parts of my identity have been with me almost since birth, and they will stay with me for the rest of my life. As I move throughout life stages, I experience these parts of my identity in different contexts: at school, work, nightlife, in romantic relationships, etc. Just because I don’t party like I used to doesn’t mean I’m not socially connected or attractive.

I often think of retired people who pinned a lot of their identity on their professions. Does a retired doctor still call herself a doctor? Does a retired teacher still call himself a teacher? Are they ‘former doctors and teachers’ or are they just retired people? Do they feel less important and a loss of identity when this change occurs? Maybe what they really felt was not their title but being influential, and they can find that in a different context outside of work.

When a big life change happens, it might feel like a core part of our identity has died, but it hasn’t! It’s just searching for another outlet, and that adjustment might take a while, but if we are patient we will see that our true self is still shining, ever bright. We are not flimsy beings; we are strong and enduring.

I believe that each of us has a true essence that stays with us through good days and bad, through every stage of our lives, and we are most content and feel the most free when we are in tune with that truest version of our self.

I challenge you to think about which qualities make up your own self identity, and how you know that those qualities represent you. Did you decide or did others tell you? Are these qualities dependent on you keeping up specific actions or are they qualities that are true to your core? Please leave a comment and share with us!

The Gift of Time. Now What To Do With It?

Do you ever say to yourself, “If only I had more time, I would love to… (insert dream: start a small business, train for a marathon, become a yoga teacher, whatever).” Well, I think I’m coming at this situation backwards from most people. I never had that thought pass through my head; time never felt like something I didn’t have enough of. I went about my days in a pretty repetitive manner (work, go out with friends, sleep, repeat), without any personal projects or desires outside of my routine. Now, though, my routine has been scrapped and the only constant for me is sleep. Now I find myself with an infinite amount of time, and you may find this hard to believe, but I’m suffering! As I said, I wasn’t dreaming of a time when I would have more time to myself. This situation sort of threw itself onto me, and I’m slowly trying to become one of those busy-bee types of people. But the process is long and dragging over rough terrain. I’ve tried knitting, I’ve tried piano, I’ve tried jewelry making, embroidery, songwriting, tie dying, and yes - even blogging! And even though I’ve really enjoyed all the bursts of creativity, I still feel a blurry empty feeling about what I’m going to do tomorrow.

Some products of my attempts at keeping busy

My husband and I originally came to Israel for what we thought was a short time to say our goodbyes to family and friends before moving to the states. We are now just shy of the 6 month mark. One hurdle for me is that we don’t know when the nice US Customs folks will hand over permission for us to head to Cali, so it’s hard to commit to a job or a lease or even a personal project. Hmmm… when I write it down it sounds like a big fat excuse for being lazy. Oh, I know! We live with my husband’s parents in a sleepy suburb so we don’t have the inspiration of being in a city around art and music and people our own age. Hmmm… some people would say it’s the perfect time to work on things without distractions and money pressures. Maybe my problem is that I don’t have any good girlfriends in Israel, and my social butterfly self is not being fulfilled? Hmmm… I admit that this is a hard one for me, but my best friends are all just a short Skype call away. Actually, I think that in the past I’ve used socializing as a tactic to avoid getting too close to myself, because god forbid, I might notice something that’s not quite right, not quite balanced, not quite satisfied, so I want to use this time to get to know myself better and address all those previously unaddressed parts of myself.

After a free 2-day course on how to be a Life Coach that my husband and I took in London last year, the seed was planted in my head that I might like to be a Life Coach one day. How ironic that I need a Life Coach more than ever right now - maybe I can be my own first customer! (Somehow, I don't think that's how these things work.)

I know that I will look back on this time as a gift, and it’s up to me whether it will be a gift that I treasured and used to the fullest, or a gift that I threw away because of too many excuses and careless self-pity.

Have you ever found yourself in an overabundance of free time? Do you have any advice for how I can get my ass into gear? Much appreciated :)

Wedding Bells and Bomb Shells: The Story of My Wedding In A War

First, I want to express my overwhelming love for my family and for the family of my husband. They are the reason I went through the ordeal of a wedding, and for them I would do it a hundred times. However, it was one of the most stressful times of my life - but for different reasons than you might hear from the typical American bride.

As you may have read in my previous blog posts, I was not one of those little girls who dreamed of a white wedding and started a Pinterest wedding board long before she met her husband. On the contrary, I didn't want a wedding. You see, I LOVE parties, but I heavily try to avoid parties that are for me. It's way too much responsibility! I either spend the whole party dividing my time equally mingling with everyone and worrying about why Larry is standing in the corner looking bored, and wishing that Mindy wouldn't have come because she's making everyone uncomfortable, or else I get so drunk that I just do my own thing, not giving a crap about anyone's enjoyment, and waking up the next morning, wondering how the party went while fending off a thumping headache. My wedding fell into the first category <lookup: ruthless anxiety>, which may be a good thing considering Option 2. 

It all started with a call to my mom, two months before the planned wedding date. 

Me: "Hi mom, Eyal and I are going to fly to Cyprus to get married, in two months." 

(Note: In Israel, two people must be of the same religion in order to get married (either Jewish, Muslim, or Christian. If you're something else, forget it.) For Jews, you're only considered Jewish enough for marriage if your mom is Jewish. Mine's not, so getting married in Israel wasn't an option for us. Even if they allowed it, it would have to be a religious wedding with an Orthodox rabbi in order to be official - NO WAY would Eyal and I agree to that. You might be asking, then, why didn't we decide to get married in the US? Wouldn't it be nice! Eyal would have to come into the country on a tourist visa, and we had recently paid $150 to apply for a tourist visa for him, which was denied, like for many young Israelis, because of the shitty political situation between Israel and the US. So, our best option was to get our asses over to the little island country of Cyprus, like many other 'alternative' Israeli couples.)

I wish Israel agreed with this picture

Okay, back to my anticlimactic engagement announcement to my mom. Her response: "What?! If my daughter is getting married, I'm going to be there!"

That was the tipping point, right there. If my mom wanted to come, we had to also invite my dad and my brother, Eyal's parents and siblings, and our closest friends. Then, since some of Eyal's family couldn't come to Cyrpus, like his 93 year old grandma, it was obvious that we needed to plan an additional wedding party in Israel. I wanted it to be a tiny gathering, 25 people max, but I was outvoted and in five minutes the guest list popped just over 100 people.

I should've known then that this was all going to be out of my hands.

The thing is, I grew up by the motto "live and let live," and I try very hard to let people think and do as they please, because that is how I want to be treated - the 'ole Golden Rule, folks! But, as I have slowly realized as I fought and lost a long battle against it, Israeli culture is more in the let-me-tell-you-what-to-do-because-I-know-what's-best-for-you-better-than-you-know camp. The truth is, it comes from love - an extreme love, the kind where they love you so much that they don't want to see you get hurt so they end up suffocating you. It's hard to get mad at them for it, but it's equally hard to deal with it!

The next hurdle we had was that our Israeli friends didn't like our decision to have the party at Eyal's parents' house, and they didn't like our decision to keep the guest list limited. (In Israel, the wedding norm is around 400 guests, including but not limited to all the former colleagues of the parents of the bride and groom. The venue is a giant impersonal hall, the catering is expensive, and anytime a wedding is planned differently, those closest to the bride and groom fear that the couple will offend people and be looked down upon for straying outside the lines.) Thus, many emotionally charged conversations ensued, but we stood our ground. My heart starts beating faster now just thinking about it!

Next complication: Kosher food or not? Eyal's saintly mother offered to prepare all of the food - what a gift! One of Eyal's sisters started to eat only kosher food a few years ago, but nobody else on our guestlist besides her, and her husband and children, ate kosher. For me, it was obvious that our wedding would be non kosher, on principle. I don't eat kosher and neither does Eyal, so it was important to me that the food be in the style of OUR tastes. But, after a few difficult conversations and a few tears (mine), it was decided that we would serve only kosher food, to accommodate for all of our guests. Luckily, Eyal's mom is an amazing cook, kosher or not kosher. After I accepted the decision, I realized that the peace and happiness of my new family is much more important than being stubborn just for the principle of it. This is something that I have to remember daily in Israel - to give up on my principles! (Example: I paid double for registered mail with signature on delivery. By the time the package was delivered, the online tracking system still hadn't been updated since the day I mailed it. Not fair! I wanted my money back! I could wait in line for an hour at the post office to talk to someone who wouldn't care about my complaint, or I could give up on my principles and forget about it, as my husband kindly suggested. Damn!)

The food at our wedding.. YUM! Thank you Hani! Photo cred Ben Granas

Let's fast forward about a month - now starts an awful army operation between Israel and Palestine. My friends who planned to come from the US and the UK started to get cold feet about flying into a warzone, totally understandably, and their families tried to persuade them not to come. I really wanted them to be at my big day, as it had been over a year since I'd seen all my best friends, but I also didn't want to cause them any undue stress and conflict with their families. In the end, two friends opted out and two decided to bite the bullet. My family was unphased - they're familiar enough with Israel to know not to believe the media's danger hype. Even though I was beyond grateful that my family and friends came to support me, the 'war' brought an aggression, a tension, a sadness to the events, and I came away with a resentment towards Israel that I still hold today.

At least once a day, at the sound of the foreboding warning siren penetrating the steamy air and eerily echoing off buildings and surrounding hilltops, we would all sprint toward the nearest bomb shelter and hope to make it there before the rockets headed for us met with the ground. We would stand inside the room, looking at each other silently while waiting to hear the familiar 'BOOM!' of the Israeli 'Iron Dome' weapons blowing up the rockets in midair. Sometimes, if we were at the beach and couldn't make it to a bomb shelter in time, we would see the smoke of the collision high above our heads. Still today, when I hear a car starting or a faraway police siren, for a moment my brain hears the rocket warning and I get a brief stroke of panic. All things considered, I feel I cannot complain about my experience, when I think about the serious hell that the people of Gaza went through during this time.

Eyal and I almost hit our breaking point the night before our flight to Cyprus. We got a text message from Cyprus Airways: "Your flight has been cancelled." Not delayed, but cancelled, along with all flights to and from Israel on almost every airline, because that afternoon, a rocket had landed near the airport and everyone was afraid to fly (except the Israeli airlines, for whom all this bombing is just business as usual). We had already paid for a villa where we would all stay together, and two rental cars. Some family members were already in Cyprus waiting for us, and two more had flights coming from abroad and meeting us there the following day. Not to mention the wedding that was booked two months in advance with the local municipality!

Our fairytale sailboat that would take us safely and swiftly to Cyprus

We called, we emailed, we thought so far out of the box that my parents even looked into renting a sailboat and sailing to Cyprus! (My parents are cool :) ) We went to sleep defeated yet still determined. Eyal woke up early and happened to see breaking news that a small Israeli charter airline, Arkia, announced three flights to Cyprus leaving later that day, to help out all the people who were on the cancelled Cyprus Airways flights. The minute their offices opened, Eyal was on the phone with them, booking eight seats - and V is for Victory, folks! I can't describe the relief! When we arrived at the airport, we were bombarded by news film crews and reporters hoping for a juicy story. We were interviewed by a handful of news outfits, and ended up being mentioned in a few news articles, one in the popular Israeli newspaper Haaretz (link to article). We ended up having a grand time there in Cyprus, mostly poolside, with a perfect little wedding ceremony in a park next to the municipality office of the tiny town Polis. Then it was back to the intense heat and rocket blasts of Israel, paired with preparations for the wedding party.

The crew in Cyprus. Photo cred Ruth Mitchell

I struggled with trying to divide my time between all my favorite people who had come to be with me and Eyal. In my dreams, I wanted to have 1:1 time with each of them, but it was impossible. So, unbenownst to them, that added another layer of anxiety to my already exploding psyche.

On the day of the party, everyone was so helpful and sweet, but I felt like a wreck. I couldn't shake my anxiety until the moment we finished delivering our self-written vows, in Hebrew and in English, from a recycled shoe-microphone salvaged from Eyal's days as the singer of a punk band. At the moment Eyal said in Hebrew, "And now, we're gonna kiss!" I surrendered to the moment and came back to myself, and I was finally able to enjoy the last thirty minutes of basically saying goodnight to everyone and having a whiskey or two. 

Eyal and I delivering our vows with the shoe mic. Photo cred Ben Granas

I wish I could say I learned a lesson from this time, but now, almost a year later, I think I'm still inside the trauma. (I know 'trauma' is a very heavy word in English, but Israelis throw it around all the time and I caught it. ) I will, however, summarize my experience, and maybe those of you with a ring on your finger can relate... Whether you like it or not, your wedding day isn't for you; it's for your family and friends. The rest of your lives together is your prize, your treasure. And the reason your wedding is so stressful is because it's important to you, and there's nothing wrong with that. My advice to anyone with a wedding in their future is to release control as much as possible, and to trust that every guest loves you and will be happy just to see you happy.

Eyal and I will be planning another wedding party in California for all of my family and friends who didn't make it out to the first occassion, so I hope I remember to follow my own advice! I would love to hear about your experiences with weddings, how to avoid wedding stress, and any other comments or advice you have!

Fate & Festivals: Why the Heck I Came to Israel and How I Met My Husband

As some of you may know, my father is from Israel. That tiny country that takes up so much of our news, that place that when the average person pictures it in their head, all they seem to conjure up are images of bombed out buildings and rubble, machine guns and Arab women crying, presumably at the loss of a child. When people picture Jerusalem, they tend to imagine a glowing, uninhabited holy place, preserved from the day Jesus died. And Tel Aviv, totally opposite - people envision white sand beaches lined with techno-thumping gay-friendly nightclubs. 

The paradoxes of perceptions of Israel

A few years ago, when I pictured Israel in my mind, none of that imagery popped up. All I could remember from Israel was my grandparents' house, since my last trip to Israel was when I was twelve. Truth be told, most days I forgot I was half Israeli - many of my friends had immigrant parents, but it was kind of a mute point as we all considered ourselves 'just American.' 

As I sat at my desk in San Francisco after lunch, an email appeared in my inbox from one of my few Jewish friends. She told me she had just applied for this free trip to Israel that just about any American Jew is eligible for, but there was an age cutoff and TODAY was the last day I would be considered. Ahhh! So... free trip to the place that makes up half of who I am and yet I know so little about? Yes please! Never mind that I'd already used up my two weeks' vacation for the year, I would deal with that hurdle later. So, much to my boss's chagrin, I spent the rest of the afternoon filling out the trip application, fibbing about considering myself Jewish, and two days later I had a flight booked to Israel, leaving in a few weeks!

This trip, called Birthright, or Taglit in Hebrew, was, in a word, epic. I was joined by 40 of the coolest Jews in San Francisco (Is that an oxymoron? Just kidding! Jews are kewl!), some of who became my lifelong friends, and we toured up and down the tiny country for ten days, partied our butts off, and fell in love with the magic of the place. (Note: Israel is THE BEST as a tourist!) 

Riding camels on Birthright - I think you can tell everything by my face!

Unfortunately, some people backed out of the trip at the last minute, because at the time there was an impending threat of total destruction by one or more of the neighboring countries. I don't remember which, because it happens all the time (something I've discovered while living here). 

Before the trip, we had an orientation session in San Francisco, which was 1) a chance to meet everyone, and 2) a platform for people to ask how our little tour bus would be protected from the impending total destruction, if it were to occur. There was also a representative there from an organization which tries to recruit young Jews to participate in long term volunteering and/or study projects in Israel. At the time, I was thinking about going abroad long term, but Israel wasn't on my radar. I wanted to go teach English in South America, and I had already started my online Teaching English as a Foreign Language course. I was barely listening to this guy talking about opportunities in Israel, and I even got a little annoyed at what I perceived as Israel propaganda. 

After the trip, all my plans changed, which happens a lot in my life! My friend who was going to come with me to South America fell in love with an awesome guy in the Bay, and I could tell she was beginning to put down mental roots. And, let me remind you: Epic trip. So I racked my brain for the name of Mr. Propaganda's organization, found their website, and could barely believe that I was actually looking up ways to go back to Israel. I did a search for Humanitarian Work, and only one program came up, so I signed up!

Let me share with you something. Have you heard the theory that girls subconsciously look for a partner with the same qualities as their fathers? Well, my dad is really sensitive. He likes drama movies, he writes poetry, he is confident but not macho by any means. And every guy I met in San Francisco just wasn't my cup of tea. I had many male friends, but all the men I dated lacked this sensitivity that I was after. When I moved to Tel Aviv, I was quite happy being single and I wasn't looking for a boyfriend, but I had a feeling that I would find the men there more attractive in terms of personality, because, after all, that's where my dad developed his sensitivity!

As soon as I arrived in Israel, I heard through a friend about an upcoming magical hippy festival in an India-style ashram in the desert, with music, yoga, spiritual workshops and group meditations. This was exactly the sort of experience I was after, and although the 4-day festival was sold out, I managed to get myself a ticket and arrange a ride with people I'd never met.

The main stage at the festival, a green oasis in the middle of the desert

When I first arrived at the ashram and saw all the long haired, shirtless men in loose gypsy pants, and the dreadlocked girls in Moroccan gauchos, everyone with huge smiles on their faces, my heart exclaimed, 'These are my people! Finally!' And instantly I was beamed to heaven. (Not literally, folks, I'm not dead.)

A candid pic I took at the festival. I think you get the idea...

Over the next few days, I went here, there and everywhere. Although I was camping near the people I came with, I barely saw them. I attended meditation sessions, dancing sessions, and other workshops like it was nobody's business. I met SO MANY genuine, lovely people. Once when I came back to the tent to get something, a girl camping near me brought over a guy she had just met at an intense workshop about love, and she introduced him to me, then went with him over to his tent to have some lunch. Later on, she brought him again to our camping area and we all sat around and talked. The next day, and the day after, the same guy came by a few times asking where she was, and it was clear that he was into her. We talked a few times one on one, and there was a lot of chemistry yet zero tension because the situation with the other girl put me and him strictly in the friend zone. 

However, on the last night of the festival, as I walked through the ashram alone, I bumped into this same guy, and we spontaneously decided to take my sleeping bag out to the desert to watch the stars. Well, folks, that man was Eyal Satat, and the rest is history!

Eyal and me in the beginning, photo taken by his dad

Over the next weeks and months, I got to know Eyal, his sweetheart friends and his big, warm, inclusive family. Eyal grew up with three older sisters, and with all that female energy influencing his growth, I can say that he rivals my dad in the sensitivity factor! The first time we met after the festival, I shared with him about a minor skin condition I have, and he suggested that maybe I'm holding in my emotions and they're trying to come out in other ways, creating this condition. How's that for get-to-know-you small talk?! But he was right, and subconsciously I'd been seeking someone who could open me up and help me get in touch with my emotions. From that day, I knew he was that someone.

Two weeks after we met, I wrote in my journal that Eyal has extremely high emotional intelligence, and that I would be happy to spend the rest of my life with him. 

Well, I meant to write this post about our marriage, but I didn't realize there was so much necessary back story! To be continued...

All Talk & No Action: The Dreamer's Destiny?

When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? I wanted to be an actress and a singer. What did you want to be around the time you finished high school? I wanted to be the Vice President of Marketing for a big technology company in Silicon Valley. Now, I've had dozens of additional half-baked business ideas with friends that never made it to the stage of writing a business plan. And plenty of ideas for parties and social gatherings, travels big and small - once, my friend and I even started to prepare her bamboo-rich backyard for our adoption of a baby panda from China! (We didn't know back then that adopting an exotic animal just meant sending money. Boo.) Not to mention daydreams of relationships that never worked out, my dream apartment and neighborhood that I never got to live in, and the list goes on.

The baby panda that we never adopted :(

The point is, I've had many dreams, big and small, which never saw the light of day, and I was inspired to write about this by an incredible song, 'Barbeque,' by the American jam band Animal Liberation Orchestra. Barbeque's insightful chorus sings: 

"Welcome to your barbeque, where you roast all the dreams that never came true.

Welcome to your barbeque. Pig out and dream anew."

All Talk & No Action

I was talking to a friend recently who told me that he has to stop himself from getting carried away with daydreaming about things he wants to plan and to accomplish, because many of the dreams he will never bring to life. I was a bit shocked, because I really enjoy this process of dreaming and getting excited about ideas, and I didn't understand why someone would want to starve himself of this pleasure. After talking a bit further, my friend admitted that some people in the past had accused him of being "all talk and no action," because he shared ideas with them that he never made steps toward achieving. Since then, he has shut down this dreamer part of himself and tries to make more practical plans. How sad, right?!

A few days ago I watched the movie, 'The Life of David Gale' (good movie!) in which Kevin Spacey's character quotes the great mathematician Pascal, "We are only truly happy when daydreaming about future happiness." Now, I think that Pascal took it a bit far here, and I do believe that we can achieve moments of true happiness while being fully in the present. But still, the man is onto something. It's FUN to dream, and I don't think we should ever feel guilty or make others feel guilty for doing it, nor should we try to stop ourselves or others from dreaming.

In the song 'Barbeque,' Animal Liberation Orchestra (ALO) sings, 

"As a way of getting us to move, life dangles your dreams in front of you, and unable to resist the temptation, we continue."

All the ideas in our heads are what gets us out of bed in the mornings, and without dreams we would quickly go into a downward spiral of purposelessness and feel 'stuck in a rut,' not a good place to be!

Letting Go

Sometimes all our ideas can feel heavy in our heads, and too many options can sometimes feel overwhelming and prevent us from choosing a path and taking it. That's why I love ALO's idea of letting go of past dreams to make space for new dreams. Maybe you saw a long future with a partner, and when you broke up you had to erase all the visions of little kiddos running around your backyard, or sitting on the porch and drinking tea together with white hair and frail bodies, as in love as they day you met. Maybe you saw a long prosperous future with a company you started working for, and when you lost or left the job, you had to wipe away all the dreams of the big office in the corner and the big raises year after year. 

The thing is, these kinds of changes happen all the time in life, and the sooner you can "roast all the dreams that never came true," the sooner you can "pig out and dream anew." If you feel like some of your old dreams are holding you back, I encourage you to make a list of all the dreams you've had in the past that still make you feel a pang of failure when you think about them. Take that list and hold a ceremonial barbeque with yourself (with or without real fire!), while listening to ALO's 'Barbeque' or another song that gives you the feeling of weightlessness and freedom, and set yourself free to dream big once again!

What dreams have you left behind, and how have you dealt with it? Do you feel bad when your dreams don't come to fruition or are you easygoing with letting them go and creating new dreams?

Which Years Are Your Golden Years?

Which year has been the best year of your life so far? Let me guess - this past year? Unless something terrible happened to you recently, I'm willing to bet you would rate this past year as one of the best years of your life so far. This seems to me one of human beings' greatest attributes - to feel that our lives keep getting better. Perhaps it's because we like to feel that we know a lot. You know the expression, "If I'd known then what I know now..." It feels good to be older and wiser. Or, perhaps, as we grow older, we keep getting more precise at figuring out exactly what makes us feel happy and fulfilled, and that brings us closer and closer to our true selves.

Image from www.notmerelyliving.com

Alright, now, when you think about your next birthday, how do you feel about turning (x)? If you are like many people, you are now starting to sense a bit of tightness in the chest, and maybe you'd prefer not to think about it and to avoid the topic altogether. However, if my earlier point is true for you and you are quite happy with the current place you are at in your life, then you should be ecstatic about your next birthday! Or, at least, not dreading it. 

From time to time, I hear people talking about their youth in that 'good ole days' way that sounds like they wish they were back in that magical time, when they didn't feel the weight of responsibility of money, family, and health. Well, I say, if you feel like your best times are in your past, it's time to make a change in your life. All of life's extraordinary gifts are waiting for you to take them, but they're not going to just drop in your lap, you have to create the situations that attract these gifts. Spend some time getting to know yourself, and find out what's missing in your life. Maybe even do a re-set on your life with a one way ticket out of town. Keep trying things, changing things, until you find that magic again.

My mom said something to me recently in an email that got me thinking about this subject. She said, "I find it interesting that whatever age people are, many of them will say it's the best years of their lives. I always used to think, 'How could 65 or 70 be the best time of your life?' but now I'm starting to understand." Thanks, mom!

Image from mindbodyspiritualawareness.com

So... smile! Jump for joy! For your life is going to keep getting better, and your best years are yet to come.

Dancing to Ecstasy! Biodanza, The Dance of Life

Imagine yourself on the fourth night of a festival in the desert, having been super sick the entire festival, scraping the bottom of your positivity barrel. Is that the moment you would expect to discover one of the greatest passions of your life? Well, that's what happened to me.

There's my back, in the blue tank top, at my first Biodanza! (Zorba the Buddha Festival, Israel)

From the first thirty seconds of the opening group dance, I felt comforted, the warmth of a hundred strangers beaming their warm smiles at me while looking gently into my eyes. The second instructions we were given sounded basic, just to walk proudly around the space and make any sweeping arm movements that came naturally. As Jade, our fabulous blond South African instructor, started the music, I took my first steps and slipped into the beat of the Jason Mraz song. Soon my steps became bigger, my sweeping arm movements became grander, and I was completely, one hundred percent in the moment. I started experiencing boosts of self worth, and a deep connection with myself and the people around me. As I walked past other 'dancers' whose goofy smiles resembled my own, our eyes met and I felt pure, joyous goodwill pouring from their hearts into mine. A few tears squeezed out of my eyes and I was propelled into a state of pure bliss.

The next hour continued in a similar fashion, but each exercise seemed to have a different lesson, calling a different feeling to arise within me. Some of the feelings that came up for me that evening were teamwork, wild abandon, inner calmness, creativity, acceptance, and harmony with all humanity. Later, I found out that Biodanza was created specifically to evoke all of those feelings, and more.

I'm in the blue tank top, lovin' it

Back in the 60s, Rolanldo Toro, an anthropologist and psychologist, developed a system of music and movement to address a large range of what he viewed as essential emotions for humans (to realize their full potential). Rolando called this system "The Dance of Life," but in Spanish, because he was from Chile - "bio" meaning life, and "danza" meaning dance - hence, "Biodanza."

I did a bit of research and discovered that Biodanza is practiced all over the world, and there is even a school for instructors in my home base of San Francisco. Although I only practiced Biodanza for a few short months, I feel that it's going to be a part of my life for a very long time. I aspire to be a great Biodanza instructor, one who brings people together in a spirit of love and openness, celebrating individuality as well as harmony with the world around us.

If you want to embard on a journey of self improvement and self discovery from the comfort of your own city, I encourage you to find the nearest Biodanza class and jump in! And I hope someday soon I will have the pleasure of inviting you to join my own Biodanza class!

Alone Time (Not Lonely Time!)

Some people do a great job at this, sometimes not necessarily by choice. If you live alone, alone time is probably quite regular for you, as you have to make a conscious effort to have a social life. For those with roommates who are close friends or significant others, alone time is harder to come by, but it can still be achieved naturally with conflicting schedules. The hardest person to separate from, however, even for as little as 30 minutes - some of you no doubt have experienced this - is a travel companion.

Me with some of my past travel companions

It is the trusty travel companion who can be there to share in the joys of new experiences, who can ward off loneliness brought on by language barriers and big cities and tiny towns and shyness, and it is the trusty travel companion who can support you throughout your journey, helping you to reflect on lessons learned. But, sooner or later, as I have experienced on every trip of significant length, and with a variety of travel companions from friends to family to lovers, alone time is absolutely necessary!

Me and my current travel companion, my husband Eyal

Notice that I don't just recommend time apart from your travel companion - that is important as well, to develop relationships with different people you meet along the way. But time where you are truly alone is something different, something to be held and cuddled and treasured. As psychiatrist Abigail Brenner says, "Being alone allows you to drop your 'social guard,' thus giving you the freedom to make better choices and decisions about who you are and what you want without outside influence." 

Alone time refreshes the senses, provides new perspective, allows us to switch our minds into a new gear, to turn our focus inward and put all our thoughts in order. For some of us, being alone is our time to switch off, to daydream, to answer to nobody except ourselves. This time can be spent walking, writing in a journal, working on a hobby, anything that helps you to feel good - but not sleeping!

I have to admit, I myself am not the best at getting in my much needed alone time. Since my husband and I began travelling together seven months ago, our alone time has been circumstantial and minimal. A few weeks ago, my husband was asked to drive with our work exchange host to Spain to buy some plants (we were in Portugal). I did some work in the morning and had a few hours to myself in the early afternoon, before they returned from Spain. As I munched on some lunch, I thought about what I wanted to do next. Wow, what a feeling! It sounds trivial, but I hadn't felt that in months, and boy, did it feel good. Thinking about what I wanted to do, with nobody else to consider. I imagine that mothers with small children know what I'm talking about! So, in the end, I took a nice hot shower, sat in a lawnchair in the sun, and invited one of the 15 kitties living with us into my lap for some cuddles. Then I picked up a pen and notebook and wrote my first blog entry. I had been meaning to start a blog but hadn't had the inspiration until that very moment.

By the time my husband returned, I felt rejuvenated, calm, and productive, and I promised to give him the same gift of alone time. It hasn't been easy, admittedly, to start a new routine. We're still figuring out how often we need time apart, and we each don't want to hurt the other or send confusing signals by suggesting time apart. But the topic is on the table, and we're working on it!

Do you find it easy or difficult to get time alone? What do you do to get the most out of your alone time? Please share in the comments :)

Marriage: An Antiquated Tradition or A Beautiful Bond?

I thought I'd never get married. Kids, maybe, but not marriage. To me, marriage seemed an unnecessary antiquated tradition, a way for our government to mold us into responsible, predictable subjects. I had to really rationalize with myself, in order to convince myself that marriage could be a part of my life, but now, seven months into my marriage, it couldn't feel more right.

Image from www.thedreamstress.com

Back then, I told myself, "Marriage is what I make of it. It will be totally different for me than what society dictates. I make my own rules and I'm just playing the system to get Eyal, my love, over to the US with me. We won't have rings, I might not change my last name, we won't turn into cogs of society."

After we got married, however, new meaning came to the idea. Being congratulated by all our friends and family, and receiving their heartfelt best wishes for a long and happy life together - this really meant something to me. I felt a new-found sense of togetherness with my husband, as if I'm holding a delicate flower in my hand (our relationship), and I must do my absolute best to care for it, treasure it, observe its growth.

Me and my groom

Maybe, in the end, marriage means exactly the same to me as it does to society at large. But I feel like I came to this feeling on my own, and that's what really matters. (Although we don't have rings, and I didn't change my last name... but maybe one day we will do both, who knows?)

Are you married? What is your opinion about marriage? Please share in the comments!

Western Medicine vs. Natural Medicine: A No-Brainer

In high school, I used to down Advil for kicks - I liked the loopy feeling it gave me, especially when paired with alcohol. I can't remember whether I bothered to conjure up a slight headache or just went for it without much thought. I didn't have a death wish for my liver; I simply didn't know that this behavior would cause long term damage. I didn't fathom that something so readily available on the shelves of my Walgreens could harm me. 

Truth be told, it wasn't until I got together with my now-husband, who comes from a family of fairly strict natural medicine users, that I began to realize how much poison I'd been putting in my body for years, many times at the orders of my trusted doctors. Before I met my husband, at the first sign of a stuffed nose I would pop some nasal decongestants and maybe even a night time cold medicine pill to ward off any evil which might await me the next day. My husband showed me how to inhale turmeric fumes over a pan on the hot stove, which works much better, much faster, and is totally natural! Not to mention, cheap! Why doesn't everybody do this when they get congested?! (Just put 1 tbsp of turmeric in a pan over medium heat, and when smoke starts coming up, put your face above the smoke and inhale deeply through your mouth and nose. Keep inhaling until the smoke stops. Do this 4-5 times per day when you are sick for best results!)

A whole lotta turmeric, just waiting to unclog your sinuses!

My husband also encouraged me to ditch the Pepto Bismol and Tums, in exchange for some camomile tea and a short rest. What I love the most from his natural remedies is a boiling pot of fresh ginger, fresh lemon juice, cinnamon, and honey, which cures any cold I get, when coupled with lots of sleep.

I'm also a big believer in the power of positive thinking to heal my body, as the great Louise Hay teaches. I haven't studied psychology, nor natural medicine, nor any alternative therapies like acupuncture, reflexology, or the Alexander Technique. But it makes sense to me that we can heal ourselves without chemicals, especially since so many illnesses are brought about by mental and emotional difficulties. When we heal ourselves mentally and emotionally, then the physical symptoms often disappear just as mysteriously as they appeared.

For the past year, I haven't taken any pills, I've stayed away from processed foods as much as possible (although I'd like to be more strict), and I try to be more aware of my body and its various cycles. I am proud to report that I was sick once in the beginning of the year, but nothing major since then! I feel like I'm on a very positive path, and I want to learn more about natural remedies so I can help myself and others around me.

I hope that we Westerners grow in our collective awareness of the dangers of Western medicine, and the great powers of natural medicine! If you know about any natural remedies, please share :)

What is Spirituality to You?

Everyone these days throws around the word spirituality to describe everything from organized religion to yoga to appreciating nature. I even started to use this word to describe my meditation practice to my friends and family, and to be honest, I think it worried them because they didn't know exactly what I meant, which in turn conjured up images in their heads of me chanting around a fire with my fellow cult members. Truthfully, I used this word because I wasn't exactly sure myself what it meant, and I was too lazy (or afraid?) to analyze my new ways of thinking and to formulate the words to share with my friends and family exactly what kind of journey I was on.

One day, my best friend had had enough of this vagueness, and she flat out asked me, in an email, "What exactly is spirituality to you?" I was dumbfounded yet intrigued. I started to write back to her, and my response began to twist and wind around words like connection, happiness, and love. I asked my husband the same question, and his answer was completely different, revolving more around music and using lots of examples of feeling bliss in various situations.

I began to think, is Spirituality just a buzz word that sells books and workshop tickets, and makes people feel good? Does it actually mean something? Does it even matter?

So, I ask you, What is spirituality to you? Leave your answer in the comments section!

One-way Ticket Out of Town: A Reinvigoration of Life

Setting the Stage

I came from the high tech world of Silicon Valley, where people have good intentions and kind hearts, but long work days and unvaried work and high salaries result in people living for the weekend, and any free time is spent at the gym, or at the bar, or at the vintage shops. I spent money almost as fast as I earned it, with little to show for it besides a bangin' wardrobe, which I hoped looked less expensive than it was, and heaps of half-baked memories of so-called epic nights out, which if I was lucky, ended in canoodling with a stranger. If I wasn't lucky, those nights ended curled up in bed at 7am, mind still racing from too many vodka red bulls, dreading the next couple of days of coming down and feeling empty and depressed.

I lived like this for almost two years.

The Turn

Somewhere around the middle of that time, I started dreaming of travel and adventure. I felt that California, and even the entire continental US, just wasn't for me. I didn't analyze this feeling very much, but I do remember a surprisingly insightful comment that I made about a week before I left San Francisco.

I was with my best friend, seeing Alt-J at the Fillmore, and we both felt that this was our goodbye. As we watched the opening band close their set, it started to hit us that we were going to really fucking miss each other. We attracted many curious glances as we both started sobbing uncontrollably and loudly, above the music that played from the speakers in-between sets. As that music came to a stop and the crowd began clapping and cheering in anticipation, I half-yelled to my best friend, ''I feel like this place isn't for me. But, maybe it's just because I don't know yet how I fit in here. Maybe when I know better who I am and what I want, I'll be able to come back and be happy here.''

A New Direction

Whenever I'm speaking with people in Europe about anything alternative or spiritual, they say to me, ''Well, you must know all about this, being from San Francisco.'' And I have to admit to them, with my tail between my legs, that I wasn't involved in anything alternative or spiritual in San Francisco. But, every time this happens, I get more excited to move back to the Bay Area and explore this whole world that I didn't know existed. I find it amusing that it took me leaving the US for two years to discover where I fit in my own hometown. But I think it makes sense, and it must happen for many people.

The Lesson

It's nearly impossible to soul-search, I mean really soul-search, without leaving home. There's a freedom that comes along with getting far away from everyone who knows you. It gives you the space to step out of familiar patterns of activity, of conversation, of cuisine, of self care (or lack of), and it gives you the space to welcome new inspiration, to explore new passions, to find all sorts of hidden talents that you never knew you had.

And for me, it wasn't enough to do this once in my life (I lived in Australia for two years post-college), and I'm no psychic but I'd say I won't stop at twice. A one-way ticket out of town is so far the best reinvigoration of life that I know, and I recommend it to people of all backgrounds, of all ages, of all occupations, of all emotional states - if a reinvigoration of your life is what you're after!